Go placidly amid the noise and the waste and remember what comfort there may
be in owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet & passive persons unless
you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of those greater
than yourself & heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys; know what
to kiss & when.
Consider that two wrongs never make a right, but that
three do. Wherever possible, put people on hold. Be comforted that in the face of all aridity & disillusionment &
despite the changing fortunes of time, there is always a big future in computer
maintenance. Remember the Pueblo. Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle &
Know yourself; if you need help, call the FBI. Exercise caution
in your daily affairs, especially with those persons closest to you -- that
lemon on your left, for instance. Be assured that a walk through the ocean
of most souls would scarcely get your feet wet. Fall not in love therefore; it
will stick to your face.
Gracefully surrender the things of youth, birds,
clean air, tuna, Taiwan; & let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Hire
people with hooks. For a good time, call 606-4311; ask for Ken. Take heart
amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese; & reflect
that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Milwaukee.
are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here, &
whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back.
make peace with your God whatever you conceive Him to be -- Hairy
Thunderer or Cosmic Muffin.
With all its hopes, dreams, promises,
& urban renewal, the world continues to deteriorate. Give up.
© National Lampoon. Written by Tony Hendra.